Men, Boys….and being allies

Something great happened recently.

I spoke at a conference in Germany…..huge.

The event was streamed to participants in over 13 different countries….. it was a virtual event organized by an international organization that runs projects across the world focused on girl child and women development.

I was invited to share my thoughts on why we need to talk with and about boys and men with the general theme “Let’s talk about Masculinities — Men & Boys as Allies for Women’s Empowerment”.

I have decided to share the notes for your reading pleasure.

“Imagine you are a gardener, and you realized that upon planting, watering and caring for the garden, a certain row of plants showed colored pigment upon growth. At first, you didn’t see it as a problem, overtime you saw a need to change it, and then you started adding more water or spraying a particular agent on the leaves, before long, the coloration reduced, but the outcome of the fruits remained the same.

What will be a more sustainable solution? To correct the problem by spraying the plants when they grow or by paying attention to the activities that can prevent or drastically reduce its occurrence in the long term.

This is what we’ve observed about gender-based development and we asked ourselves, how can we employ a long term preventive approach instead of a corrective approach. So, we started the iDealMan Initiative.

The iDealMan Initiative creates awareness about issues affecting boys and men, including dysfunctional stereotypes, we also create platforms for raising boys to become better men in the society, for himself, his family and the society at large.

In the last 3 years, we have run programs and projects that engage stakeholders who play roles in raising boys, we’ve run campaigns to challenge negative narratives and stereotypes upheld by men, we’ve also worked with other gender based organizations on gender equality, but ultimately, through our school mentorship program, we have reached out tom more than 3000 boys in public schools on subjects ranging from financial empowerment, self-discovery and awareness, emotional intelligence, gender equality, goal setting, nation building amongst others, focused on helping them become change agents.

Last year, I published a book for teenage boys, and gifted 1000 copies for free in some of these schools and the feedback has been outstanding, chief of which is behavioral change. The process of behavioral change reduces a boys tendency to engage in dysfunctional behavior that can affect others, especially girls.

The question then arises, why do we need to talk about and with men and boys, why should we care?

In the work we have done, we have realized that men and boys act in accordance to the knowledge they already have, and in order to create any change for or through them, you must bring new knowledge; and there is no better way to present this than in a way that shows that you are concerned about issues affecting them or that you can prove to them that there is a benefit in becoming change agents. As we say, we act because we know.

Generally, we know that men and boys are by a large margin the perpetrators of many vices in the society, from theft, drug abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and others.

The problem is that often we talk at men and boys, we show them how they are the problem, but no one is talking with or speaking for them.

This was the reality of Femi, a high school student who asked one of our mentors why their school always had organizations focused on girl child empowerment, while no one spoke with the boys. Femi knew he had a role to play in the safety and well being of his female counterparts, but no one had showed him why and how he should care.

Danladi, a man in his early thirties wanted to support his wife in her career, but he still had to fight with the narrative of gender roles.

These are the experiences of many men and boys.

Through The Future Men program we organized in his school Femi understood how personal development and responsibility can help him support his female counterparts. Through The Guys’ Conversation, Danladi received ideas on how he could support his wife without feeling less of a man.

If we want men and boys to be allies, we must use subtle ways, showing them how they can become better individuals and, in that process, allies for change.

Only improved men can support and facilitate the improvement of women and their conditions.

A stable and responsible boy or man becomes a better colleague, friend, son, boyfriend, husband and father as the case may be. Drastically reducing the possibility of engaging in activities that advance the challenges that women face including sexual and gender-based violence, amongst others.

This is only possible if we engage them.